So I turned my hands toward Heaven

I’m reading a bit of Understanding Your Grief again, phenomenal book. I’ve mentioned it here a few times. I flipped back a few pages to read previous notes I had written in the corresponding journal on the difference between grief and mourning.

Grief is internal. The author suggests it’s like a container that holds all of the thoughts, feelings, and images we have after a loss.

Mourning is an outward expression of that grief. I guess it would be like pouring out that container, which could look like many things; talking about the person, crying, expression through art or music, etc.

Here is part of what I wrote: “I’ve underestimated the value and necessity of mourning… how do I accept… my situation? … just accepting it without the mourning amounts to carrying around my container of grief and never putting it aside. No wonder I’m having a hard time putting my hands to another task; because they’re already full!”

It reminds me of this poem:

Treasures by Martha Snell Nicholson

One by one God took them from me,

All the things I valued most,

Till I was empty-handed;

Every glittering toy was lost.

And I walked earth's highway, grieving,

In my rags and poverty,

Till I heard His voice inviting,

"Lift your empty hands to Me!"

So I turned my hands toward heaven,

And He filled them with a store

Of His own transcendent riches

Till they could contain no more.

And at last I comprehended

With my stupid mind and dull,

That God could not pour His riches

Into hands already full!

Comforted by Strength

Strength. Who would think it's a word that would stir up such strong feelings! In my experience, the way the word has been used, it has had the opposite effect from what people intend for it to mean.

"You're so strong!"

"I could never go through what you're going through!"

I believe when we look at super tough situations around us, we feel hopeless. What can we do to help our loved one who is in the middle of a huge challenge, possibly even the absolute worst time of their life? What can we say that could make an ounce of difference in their ocean of pain and tears? What if we ask "how are you" and the person starts to cry? It's uncomfortable. It feels bad! So, when we see someone in the middle of a huge challenge and they can laugh and they might not burst into tears when we ask "how are you", it's so much more comfortable. I can tell myself that sharing a laugh or a superficial conversation has helped them (and maybe it has... not every conversation has to be deep and life-changing) and I could find something appropriate to say. Phew! That didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would!

Why is comfortable better? So I don't have to remember my own painful experiences? I don't want to be embarrassed by crying in front of someone? When we are comfortable, that doesn't necessarily mean our loved one is comforted.

What can we say to someone who is struggling? My Dad says it this way, "show up and then shut up!" Let the person speak. When my Mom died, the funeral was in Altona, and we had already been living in Winnipeg for a while. There were many special moments, of course, seeing people we don't see very often, having a small chance to honour some of the nurses who had cared for my Mom for so many years, having our Hutterite friends bless us with their beautiful choir and with food, I can't even list all of the ways it was special. But by far what stands out for me, by far, is when I saw friends show up from the Young Marrieds Bible Study group from our church in Winnipeg. I think I talked to a couple of them, but unfortunately didn't realize until after how many had actually been there. Do I know what they said? No. But just seeing them standing there is engraved in my brain, warms my heart, and raises the humidity in my eye region, to remember it now 10 1/2 years later. Did they have profound words of comfort? Probably not. But they were there.

From the book Understanding Your Grief, the author writes "If you are perceived as 'doing well' with your grief, you are considered 'strong' and 'under control.' The message is that the well-controlled person stays rational at all times." He suggests that we feel shame for mourning (the outward expression of grief), and that society may imply you are "immature", "overly-emotional", or "needy" or in more intense situations, even "crazy" or a "pathological mourner". He goes on to say that "society has it backwards in defining who is 'doing well' in grief and who is 'not going well'."

This part of the book was not only worth underlining, I've added a bracket and a star! "Often combined with these messages is an unstated, but strong belief that 'You have a right not to hurt. So do whatever is necessary to avoid it. Dismiss this trite suggestion... The unfortunate result is you may be encouraged to pop pills, avoid having a funeral ceremony, or deny any and all feelings of loss.... if you avoid your pain, the people around you will not have to 'be with' you in your pain or experience their own pain. While this may be more comfortable for them, it would prove to be unhealthy for you. The reality is that many people will try to shield themselves from pain by trying to protect you from it. Do not let anyone do this to you!"

He adds a quote from Philip Kapleau, "To suppress the grief, the pain, is to condemn oneself to a living death. Living fully means feeling fully; it means being completely one with what you are experiencing and not holding at arm's length.

Fantastic book. I can't say it enough!

I have to mention the other statement I made earlier: "I could never go through what you're going through." Two pieces of good news there. 1) You don't have to! These circumstances were not given to you, they were given to me. 2) Yes, you can! When your time of challenge comes, and it's pretty much a guarantee, you're going to find a way to get up and put one foot in front of the other.

What about reminders that others have it harder than you do? Anyone who's been through anything has probably been told this. Yes, of course we need to keep our circumstances in perspective and not take our blessings for granted. But, reminders that so-and-so has challenges too could come across sounding like, "you're making more of this than is appropriate" or "you don't have it so bad" or "I don't want to hear about it" or my favorite "you have no right to feel that way". By far, the majority of people I have met and talked to about the tough stuff they've had in their life, they are very aware that everyone has something to deal with in life. I know that is true for myself. Having the experiences that I've had, I can recognize similar feelings and thoughts in others. When a mom sits across from me at women's event and casually starts talking about how her son might have autism, she's not crying, not really expressing how difficult it is, just kinda mentioning she has a lot going on right now, I know she's not showing the heap of frustration and tears that come with that situation.

When discussing strength, I've got to mention supports! For myself, I find people who have "been there" or "get it" are priceless! What a relief when we can "compare notes" and feel less abnormal! When I can discuss ADHD and not be treated like I need to discipline my children more, or less, or differently, but rather say, "yep, I can relate!" I treasure friends that can answer my questions about Asperger's and specific issues that come up, or from time to time, we scratch our heads and say, "I have NO idea! Just keep doing your best!" The strength isn't in having the answers, it's in the relationship, the cups of coffee, the laughs and tears, and the listening.

But most importantly, God is our "refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1 NIV) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV) If God is our most important source of strength, and if He IS our strength, why am I putting Him at the end of my post? Because He wants us to go out, be His hands and feet in the flesh. He can be near the hurting person, but He wants us to put our arms around them. He can provide, but we can bring a pot of soup. Many times people don't know where God is in their tough times, or maybe people have never experienced God. The easiest way to see Him is in His people, if we have the strength to do what He asks of us.

Grief, Loss, Mourning, and Special Occasions

I don't know if writing another post in one day is my brain being obsessive-compulsive or if it's as if I'm pulling my finger out of the cracking dam??? Perhaps it doesn't matter.

I've been bouncing this idea around in my head and I'd be interested in hearing people's thoughts about special days (holidays, birthdays, etc) being ruined by loss, grief, or expressions of mourning. As much as I'd like to say it shouldn't be that way or we shouldn't feel that way, the loss of my Mom makes Christmas very difficult and Mother's Day near impossible. I wonder... if we give ourselves permission to feel horrible for the first few special days, would we then find the freedom to enjoy those special days in the future? What if for this year, or maybe a few years, we let ourselves off the hook and not expect ourselves to fully enjoy those special days, would we find that maybe we can experience moments of joy? Maybe not, but maybe yes? Or can we give ourselves permission to skip certain days entirely?

One of the things I've learned is to be sensitive to people who fall into the "other" category. When we're at a baby shower, are there women who dreamed of having babies but it never happened, or perhaps have experienced the pain of miscarriage? Are there people who feel loss rather than celebration on Mother's Day or Father's Day?

So then, the question becomes, what do I need to experience during these special occasions? I wasn't sure how to include my Mom on my wedding day. She was still alive at that time, but I didn't want her to be the focus of the day. That sounds callous or self-centered, but since the beginning of her illness, we were very protective of her and tried our best to avoid people who wanted to see her out of curiosity instead of relationship and well-meaning people who wished she could just die already. My wedding day was going to be about me and my husband and it was going to be happy and celebratory, and I didn't want a pall of sadness, grief, and loss to cover the entire day. So, what we did was head over to the hospital with the wedding party, my family, and my husband's parents, and did a mini-ceremony with my Mom. I had bought her a flower to wear for the day as well and the nurses had found a suitable dress for her to wear (nurses who love what they do are super heroes). Even though it meant keeping our guests waiting at the church before serving lunch, it was important for me to include her. What I WISH I had done was actually allow myself to cry about it and acknowledge that it was messed up that this was how things happened. I've spend entirely too much time trying to convince myself that "this is my life and I'm okay with that".

My sister, on the other hand, wasn't able to include Mom in person because she had passed away by that point. What she did was find a flower that was similar to the flowers my Mom carried in her own wedding pictures and incorporate that into her bouquet. No one would know unless they had been told. What our step-mother did to honor our Mom and my sister was to take a small, inconspicuous piece from our Mom's navy wedding dress and have a garter made. Another gesture that was filled with so much love and meaning, but again no one would know about it unless they had been told.

I often think of other events, like family gatherings. We're all getting together to celebrate Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving or whatever. Do I say something? Is anyone else thinking about the people that we've lost? Is it just me? Does anyone else wish someone would say something? A couple of years ago, we took a family picture with my Mom's entire family. My Grandpa's health was slipping, he wasn't always himself anymore, so it was just time. I think it had been about 25 years since we had done a picture of all of us together. However, when we have a photo of "all of us" and not "all of us" are still alive, (our oldest cousin, Rob passed away several years earlier and my Mom was gone by then too), it's natural to think of people who have passed. I personally think we add to an occasion if there are moments of sadness and not just happiness, because it's real and honest and healing. I took the risk and said, "it's sad that Rob and my Mom aren't here". Actually I had talked to my Grandma about it beforehand and she encouraged me to say something.

I'm not saying we need to go on and on about who or what has been lost. I've found for myself, often a simple small recognition makes a world of difference. I'll sit through a Mother's Day church service and if there's even one mention of "not everyone has a Mom", I'm pretty much good to go. I wish people would understand that even though loss, particularly my loss, happened a long time ago, it is often on-going loss. There was the loss of having her involved with my life as a kid and then as an adult, the physical loss when she passed, the loss of not having her mentoring me as a wife and mom, the loss of who she would have been as my kids' Grandma, and so on.

When we experience loss, or watch others experience loss, we feel the need to put something in its place. Many well-meaning people have felt I could substitute another woman in place of my Mom or decide my mother-in-law is now my Mom. I've had a number of amazing women mentor me, walk beside me, and be a friend to me, they were not my Mom. Personally, I feel it's a sentiment intended for the person saying it to feel better and to wrap up a tough situation with a comfortable bow, but what I hear from those words is, "you need to forget the past and just focus on what you have now" or "how I feel about my Mom is more important than how you feel about your Mom".

The reality is, these are the thoughts, feelings, and experiences I carry with me all the time, even on special occasions and holidays, along with the question, "are special days ruined by grief and mourning?"

"Understanding Your Grief"

A few weeks ago, someone told me about a fantastic book called "Understanding Your Grief; Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart" by Alan D. Wolfelt. And, as someone who likes the exercise of writing, I also got the corresponding journal. The way the two books are written, from a logistical point of view, it's set up very well. For example, the book tells you when to move to the journal and respond to what you've just read and the journal has great questions to draw out and sort through that jumble that is grief and loss. Here are two quotes that I've loved so far (but the book is so good, I could type out the entire thing to share!)

"...over time ... the pain of your grief will keep trying to get your attention until you have the courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The pain that surrounds the closed heart of grief is ... the pain of denying how the loss changes you, the pain of feeling alone and isolated -- unable to openly mourn, unable to love and be loved by those around you." --Alan D. Wolfelt

‎"You cannot "get over" or "recover from" or "resolve" your grief, but you can reconcile yourself to it. That is, you can learn to incorporate it into your consciousness and proceed with meaning and purpose in your life." ~Alan D. Wolfert

This past December, my cousin Don passed away in a car accident. (Very very sad, but God's presence has been so evident.. but that'll be it's own blog entry.) My son, who is very compassionate and is a friend of Don's oldest son, prayed that they would "get over it". Obviously he doesn't understand and doesn't know what to say, but it was a good discussion opportunity about what we could pray for people who are hurting. I explained to my son that any time we think about this, it will be sad. It will be sad that a Daddy died and that he's not with his kids. (Yes, I know we will remember the good times, and we have lots of pictures of Don up in our house where he's laughing, smiling, and having fun with his family, but one conversation at a time.) I suggested we could pray for peace for Don's family or that they would feel God being close to them.

I've read a few comments on Facebook this week where people are expressing their grief and heaviness and that they don't know what to do. I think so many of us can relate to those feelings even though our circumstances may be vastly different. Through watching Joyce Meyer and reading her books, especially Battlefield of the Mind, I've heard her share a couple of times that because of what happened to her as a child, she felt like she was never meant to have a happy life. It took her a long time to realize God intended for her to still have a full, happy, fulfilling life! I'm also learning that the enemy, "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) and it's done through our minds and our thoughts. That means, thoughts of "I can't do this" or "it's all just too much" or "it hurts too much" aren't God's plan for us. He says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) I'll agree with you, it's very hard to understand His Word where it says "I'll prosper you" and "not to harm you" and He'll give us "a future"....

Hang on... let me interrupt myself... it doesn't say He WILL give us those things and do those things... it says it's His PLAN... but we know there's an enemy who is a messer-upper of plans, both ours and he attempts to mess up God's plans.

Here's where I wanted to go with that; we have this belief, in society in general, that we need to move away from grief and not toward it. (pg 26 of Understanding Your Grief) Here's what the author says about it.

"Our society often encourages prematurely moving away from grief instead of toward it. The result is that too many mourners either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from their grief through various means."

"... believing that self-control was the appropriate response to sorrow...well-intentioned but uninformed relatives and friends still carry on this long-held tradition. While the outward expression of grief is a requirement for healing, overcoming society's powerful message (repress!) can be difficult."

"Mourners who continue to express grief outwardly are often viewed as 'weak', 'crazy', or 'self-pitying'. The subtle message is 'Shape up and get on with your life.' The reality is disturbing: Far too many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced."

"By refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and 'being strong' are often considered admirable behaviours. Many people have internalized society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently."

"After the death of someone loved, you also may respond to the question, 'How are you' with the benign response, 'I'm fine.' In essence, you are saying to the world, 'I'm not mourning.' Friends, family, and coworkers may encourage this stance. Why? Because they don't want to talk about death."

"Masking or moving away from your grief creates anxiety, confusion and depression. if you receive little or no social recognition related to your pain, you will probably begin to fear that your thoughts and feelings are abnormal."

"You must continually remind yourself that leaning toward, not away from, the pain will facilitate the eventual healing."

Don't reply to me (well you can if you want to, but you don't have to), but ask yourself:

Have you felt pressured to "overcome" your grief instead of experiencing it? If so, how and why have you been pressured?

What does it mean to you to move toward your pain?

How could you respond to friends, family, coworkers, etc who encourage you (either outright or implicitly) to move away from your grief?

One of the things I've wanted to do for years, but have always explained away (it's unnecessary, it's not that big of a deal, etc) is to have an item for me to have on me or with me to remember my Mom. I don't know what exactly it should be, and recently I've started looking around, but I haven't found the "right" thing yet. I have been very quick to recommend a friend's business: http://momentsforever.ca/ who creates beautiful keepsake jewelry and this is a business that was started after 2 significant losses. (You can read her story online. She's an amazing woman!)

One month before my Mom died, a co-worker lost his Mom very suddenly and unexpectedly. Having had a little experience with loss, we spoke about it and he shared with me that he was keeping his mother's hair brush. In my head, I didn't understand WHY a brush would be special for him, but what I realized was that we each need to do what's important to us, the items we hold on to, the way we mourn or remember, is very individual and even though no one may understand why you need to do, say, keep certain things, if it's important for your journey, then do it. A couple of the things I've done (that don't necessarily make sense to others) is instead of buying flowers to put on my Mom's grave, I buy them for her but I keep them in my house. That way every time I see them, I think of her. (I also, personally, for me, not judging anyone else, don't like the idea of flowers on her grave getting all dried out or dusty or looking messy.) I also buy my Mom Mother's day cards and keep them in my memory box. (Usually the "Across the Miles" type cards have an applicable message.)

Yes, looking your loss in the eyeballs is tough, no question about it, but I urge people, if there's something you need to face, FEEL it in the moment, while it's happening, don't stop yourself. I have tried so hard not to feel my loss and now I have to work through all sorts of old stuff from way back. It's not any easier at all to have avoided it.

Leanne's Life Part 1

I have typically avoided blogging in emotional moments, so I don't write something I'll regret or get too personal. I've said previously that I did always intend for this blog to include more of ME than just cooking (by the way, anyone try that Dill Pickle Popcorn recipe yet?). I've also said that I believe we experience things in our lives that are intended to be helpful to others. You've probably heard the phrase "your mess is your message", and I believe that is true for everyone and have found that to be very true for myself. I've also written on this blog that I've had people in my life who, it feels like to me, tried to shut me down and I ended up feeling like I couldn't express myself and in fact the statements made to me and against me left me feeling like I didn't know who "myself" was! But, the Lord is taking me on a journey of healing those most hurt and broken parts and what the enemy intended for destruction, God is using for good! (Genesis 50:20) Obviously I can't write about these things with a whole lot o' emotion being involved.

I've known for many years that I've been a person who carries a lot of baggage from my childhood, but in recent weeks I've seen, on a whole new level, just how incredibly sad I am. But for so many years, I've asked myself and God, "what do I do with this???" How do I work through it? How do I get to a place where I can feel a degree of peace and happiness? I don't know that I've really found any answers to that. Yes, I've come a long way with being involved with Bible studies and filling my mind with good, positive, God-filled things and avoiding negative stuff. Yes, I've grown through doing MK and I am blessed through my business tremendously. But when I can still have a day like today where all I can do is cry and I'm feeling so much emotional pain that I don't know if I'll survive, I know there's more I need to do. I have to get this OUT of me or else I'm sure I'll burst.

On Sunday our pastor, Layton Friesen, was speaking of living a life of virtue and walked us through how we can look at the reality of our lives and still have happiness. We might think that when we look our circumstances in the eye, we'll find sadness, anger, hurt, and so on. However, he suggested that when we are in tune with reality, we will discover happiness. (James 3:13-18) That, of course, is over-simplified, but it's a little piece of what he shared.

It seems to me what I'm looking for, and what has been painfully missing for ME, has been the acknowledgment of the reality of the circumstances I had to deal with in my childhood and still have to deal with now. There's no way I can even start explaining it, but in the last few weeks, I've realized that the way I have learned to describe my life is surreal! My pat answer of, "My Mom got sick when I was six, like sick as in couldn't talk or communicate in anyway, couldn't walk, talk, eat, or anything and she passed away after being in the hospital for 16 years" is... detached? It's CRAZY to me to see that as my life. I can say that as if it's no big deal, but about one millimeter under the surface, there's an iceberg of turmoil, sadness, and confusion. For years, I've been desperate for people who are equally as affected by this to say, "yes, it totally sucks, doesn't it!" but looking around, no one talks about it and until recently, I've thought, "hmmm, it must not affect them as much as it does me". I have no idea if that's true or not. Obviously it will have been tremendously painful for others too. But when no one has talked about it, I feel like no one wants to talk about it, and I can't talk about it either and that's what is just killing me. To act like this is ordinary? or that my life hasn't been negatively impacted by this?

In my head, I hear the comments of people who say things like, "other people have gone through difficult times and they've gotten past it so why can't you?" I want to get defensive. I won't. I just want to shed light on phrases like that or "get over it", "get past it", "this AGAIN?" and say that those statements feel approximately as good as if someone would tell me "your issues are a nuisance to me". Yes, in my head I know people can't relate and people don't know what to do with the challenges others face, but that really doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I know that I need to write this for me, but I feel like this is going to open up something for someone else. I don't know who or when, but it's for someone else too. If it's you, I'm praying for you on your journey.