I have typically avoided blogging in emotional moments, so I don't write something I'll regret or get too personal. I've said previously that I did always intend for this blog to include more of ME than just cooking (by the way, anyone try that Dill Pickle Popcorn recipe yet?). I've also said that I believe we experience things in our lives that are intended to be helpful to others. You've probably heard the phrase "your mess is your message", and I believe that is true for everyone and have found that to be very true for myself. I've also written on this blog that I've had people in my life who, it feels like to me, tried to shut me down and I ended up feeling like I couldn't express myself and in fact the statements made to me and against me left me feeling like I didn't know who "myself" was! But, the Lord is taking me on a journey of healing those most hurt and broken parts and what the enemy intended for destruction, God is using for good! (Genesis 50:20) Obviously I can't write about these things with a whole lot o' emotion being involved.
I've known for many years that I've been a person who carries a lot of baggage from my childhood, but in recent weeks I've seen, on a whole new level, just how incredibly sad I am. But for so many years, I've asked myself and God, "what do I do with this???" How do I work through it? How do I get to a place where I can feel a degree of peace and happiness? I don't know that I've really found any answers to that. Yes, I've come a long way with being involved with Bible studies and filling my mind with good, positive, God-filled things and avoiding negative stuff. Yes, I've grown through doing MK and I am blessed through my business tremendously. But when I can still have a day like today where all I can do is cry and I'm feeling so much emotional pain that I don't know if I'll survive, I know there's more I need to do. I have to get this OUT of me or else I'm sure I'll burst.
On Sunday our pastor, Layton Friesen, was speaking of living a life of virtue and walked us through how we can look at the reality of our lives and still have happiness. We might think that when we look our circumstances in the eye, we'll find sadness, anger, hurt, and so on. However, he suggested that when we are in tune with reality, we will discover happiness. (James 3:13-18) That, of course, is over-simplified, but it's a little piece of what he shared.
It seems to me what I'm looking for, and what has been painfully missing for ME, has been the acknowledgment of the reality of the circumstances I had to deal with in my childhood and still have to deal with now. There's no way I can even start explaining it, but in the last few weeks, I've realized that the way I have learned to describe my life is surreal! My pat answer of, "My Mom got sick when I was six, like sick as in couldn't talk or communicate in anyway, couldn't walk, talk, eat, or anything and she passed away after being in the hospital for 16 years" is... detached? It's CRAZY to me to see that as my life. I can say that as if it's no big deal, but about one millimeter under the surface, there's an iceberg of turmoil, sadness, and confusion. For years, I've been desperate for people who are equally as affected by this to say, "yes, it totally sucks, doesn't it!" but looking around, no one talks about it and until recently, I've thought, "hmmm, it must not affect them as much as it does me". I have no idea if that's true or not. Obviously it will have been tremendously painful for others too. But when no one has talked about it, I feel like no one wants to talk about it, and I can't talk about it either and that's what is just killing me. To act like this is ordinary? or that my life hasn't been negatively impacted by this?
In my head, I hear the comments of people who say things like, "other people have gone through difficult times and they've gotten past it so why can't you?" I want to get defensive. I won't. I just want to shed light on phrases like that or "get over it", "get past it", "this AGAIN?" and say that those statements feel approximately as good as if someone would tell me "your issues are a nuisance to me". Yes, in my head I know people can't relate and people don't know what to do with the challenges others face, but that really doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I know that I need to write this for me, but I feel like this is going to open up something for someone else. I don't know who or when, but it's for someone else too. If it's you, I'm praying for you on your journey.
I've known for many years that I've been a person who carries a lot of baggage from my childhood, but in recent weeks I've seen, on a whole new level, just how incredibly sad I am. But for so many years, I've asked myself and God, "what do I do with this???" How do I work through it? How do I get to a place where I can feel a degree of peace and happiness? I don't know that I've really found any answers to that. Yes, I've come a long way with being involved with Bible studies and filling my mind with good, positive, God-filled things and avoiding negative stuff. Yes, I've grown through doing MK and I am blessed through my business tremendously. But when I can still have a day like today where all I can do is cry and I'm feeling so much emotional pain that I don't know if I'll survive, I know there's more I need to do. I have to get this OUT of me or else I'm sure I'll burst.
On Sunday our pastor, Layton Friesen, was speaking of living a life of virtue and walked us through how we can look at the reality of our lives and still have happiness. We might think that when we look our circumstances in the eye, we'll find sadness, anger, hurt, and so on. However, he suggested that when we are in tune with reality, we will discover happiness. (James 3:13-18) That, of course, is over-simplified, but it's a little piece of what he shared.
It seems to me what I'm looking for, and what has been painfully missing for ME, has been the acknowledgment of the reality of the circumstances I had to deal with in my childhood and still have to deal with now. There's no way I can even start explaining it, but in the last few weeks, I've realized that the way I have learned to describe my life is surreal! My pat answer of, "My Mom got sick when I was six, like sick as in couldn't talk or communicate in anyway, couldn't walk, talk, eat, or anything and she passed away after being in the hospital for 16 years" is... detached? It's CRAZY to me to see that as my life. I can say that as if it's no big deal, but about one millimeter under the surface, there's an iceberg of turmoil, sadness, and confusion. For years, I've been desperate for people who are equally as affected by this to say, "yes, it totally sucks, doesn't it!" but looking around, no one talks about it and until recently, I've thought, "hmmm, it must not affect them as much as it does me". I have no idea if that's true or not. Obviously it will have been tremendously painful for others too. But when no one has talked about it, I feel like no one wants to talk about it, and I can't talk about it either and that's what is just killing me. To act like this is ordinary? or that my life hasn't been negatively impacted by this?
In my head, I hear the comments of people who say things like, "other people have gone through difficult times and they've gotten past it so why can't you?" I want to get defensive. I won't. I just want to shed light on phrases like that or "get over it", "get past it", "this AGAIN?" and say that those statements feel approximately as good as if someone would tell me "your issues are a nuisance to me". Yes, in my head I know people can't relate and people don't know what to do with the challenges others face, but that really doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I know that I need to write this for me, but I feel like this is going to open up something for someone else. I don't know who or when, but it's for someone else too. If it's you, I'm praying for you on your journey.
Leanne, although most of the rest of us can't "understand" what you are going through or how you feel, we can certainly always listen, I think that it is great that you are writing out your feelings. We'll be here to listen. :) Praying you find some healing on your journey. Imagining a young 6 year old girl not being able to interact with her mom is heartbreaking. L is 6 now, can only imagine how heartbreaking that would be for her. Your mom was a great mom.
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