"Understanding Your Grief"

A few weeks ago, someone told me about a fantastic book called "Understanding Your Grief; Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart" by Alan D. Wolfelt. And, as someone who likes the exercise of writing, I also got the corresponding journal. The way the two books are written, from a logistical point of view, it's set up very well. For example, the book tells you when to move to the journal and respond to what you've just read and the journal has great questions to draw out and sort through that jumble that is grief and loss. Here are two quotes that I've loved so far (but the book is so good, I could type out the entire thing to share!)

"...over time ... the pain of your grief will keep trying to get your attention until you have the courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The pain that surrounds the closed heart of grief is ... the pain of denying how the loss changes you, the pain of feeling alone and isolated -- unable to openly mourn, unable to love and be loved by those around you." --Alan D. Wolfelt

‎"You cannot "get over" or "recover from" or "resolve" your grief, but you can reconcile yourself to it. That is, you can learn to incorporate it into your consciousness and proceed with meaning and purpose in your life." ~Alan D. Wolfert

This past December, my cousin Don passed away in a car accident. (Very very sad, but God's presence has been so evident.. but that'll be it's own blog entry.) My son, who is very compassionate and is a friend of Don's oldest son, prayed that they would "get over it". Obviously he doesn't understand and doesn't know what to say, but it was a good discussion opportunity about what we could pray for people who are hurting. I explained to my son that any time we think about this, it will be sad. It will be sad that a Daddy died and that he's not with his kids. (Yes, I know we will remember the good times, and we have lots of pictures of Don up in our house where he's laughing, smiling, and having fun with his family, but one conversation at a time.) I suggested we could pray for peace for Don's family or that they would feel God being close to them.

I've read a few comments on Facebook this week where people are expressing their grief and heaviness and that they don't know what to do. I think so many of us can relate to those feelings even though our circumstances may be vastly different. Through watching Joyce Meyer and reading her books, especially Battlefield of the Mind, I've heard her share a couple of times that because of what happened to her as a child, she felt like she was never meant to have a happy life. It took her a long time to realize God intended for her to still have a full, happy, fulfilling life! I'm also learning that the enemy, "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) and it's done through our minds and our thoughts. That means, thoughts of "I can't do this" or "it's all just too much" or "it hurts too much" aren't God's plan for us. He says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) I'll agree with you, it's very hard to understand His Word where it says "I'll prosper you" and "not to harm you" and He'll give us "a future"....

Hang on... let me interrupt myself... it doesn't say He WILL give us those things and do those things... it says it's His PLAN... but we know there's an enemy who is a messer-upper of plans, both ours and he attempts to mess up God's plans.

Here's where I wanted to go with that; we have this belief, in society in general, that we need to move away from grief and not toward it. (pg 26 of Understanding Your Grief) Here's what the author says about it.

"Our society often encourages prematurely moving away from grief instead of toward it. The result is that too many mourners either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from their grief through various means."

"... believing that self-control was the appropriate response to sorrow...well-intentioned but uninformed relatives and friends still carry on this long-held tradition. While the outward expression of grief is a requirement for healing, overcoming society's powerful message (repress!) can be difficult."

"Mourners who continue to express grief outwardly are often viewed as 'weak', 'crazy', or 'self-pitying'. The subtle message is 'Shape up and get on with your life.' The reality is disturbing: Far too many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced."

"By refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and 'being strong' are often considered admirable behaviours. Many people have internalized society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently."

"After the death of someone loved, you also may respond to the question, 'How are you' with the benign response, 'I'm fine.' In essence, you are saying to the world, 'I'm not mourning.' Friends, family, and coworkers may encourage this stance. Why? Because they don't want to talk about death."

"Masking or moving away from your grief creates anxiety, confusion and depression. if you receive little or no social recognition related to your pain, you will probably begin to fear that your thoughts and feelings are abnormal."

"You must continually remind yourself that leaning toward, not away from, the pain will facilitate the eventual healing."

Don't reply to me (well you can if you want to, but you don't have to), but ask yourself:

Have you felt pressured to "overcome" your grief instead of experiencing it? If so, how and why have you been pressured?

What does it mean to you to move toward your pain?

How could you respond to friends, family, coworkers, etc who encourage you (either outright or implicitly) to move away from your grief?

One of the things I've wanted to do for years, but have always explained away (it's unnecessary, it's not that big of a deal, etc) is to have an item for me to have on me or with me to remember my Mom. I don't know what exactly it should be, and recently I've started looking around, but I haven't found the "right" thing yet. I have been very quick to recommend a friend's business: http://momentsforever.ca/ who creates beautiful keepsake jewelry and this is a business that was started after 2 significant losses. (You can read her story online. She's an amazing woman!)

One month before my Mom died, a co-worker lost his Mom very suddenly and unexpectedly. Having had a little experience with loss, we spoke about it and he shared with me that he was keeping his mother's hair brush. In my head, I didn't understand WHY a brush would be special for him, but what I realized was that we each need to do what's important to us, the items we hold on to, the way we mourn or remember, is very individual and even though no one may understand why you need to do, say, keep certain things, if it's important for your journey, then do it. A couple of the things I've done (that don't necessarily make sense to others) is instead of buying flowers to put on my Mom's grave, I buy them for her but I keep them in my house. That way every time I see them, I think of her. (I also, personally, for me, not judging anyone else, don't like the idea of flowers on her grave getting all dried out or dusty or looking messy.) I also buy my Mom Mother's day cards and keep them in my memory box. (Usually the "Across the Miles" type cards have an applicable message.)

Yes, looking your loss in the eyeballs is tough, no question about it, but I urge people, if there's something you need to face, FEEL it in the moment, while it's happening, don't stop yourself. I have tried so hard not to feel my loss and now I have to work through all sorts of old stuff from way back. It's not any easier at all to have avoided it.