Monday, October 6, 2014

Apple Oatmeal Muffins


This is based on Apple Breakfast Bread on allrecipes.com.

1 cup boiling water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup oatmeal

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup packed brown sugar*
2 eggs
2 apples, peeled and cored

1 cup flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon

Boil the water, mix in baking soda and oatmeal. Let sit.

Cream butter and sugar. Add beaten eggs.

Combine dry ingredients in a separate bowl as you wait for the oatmeal to soak and cool slightly.

Peel, core, and chop apples. Add to wet mixture.

Put dry ingredients into wet, stir to combine using the fewest strokes possible.

Bake at 350 for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted into the center of the muffin comes out clean.

Notes:
I should have used either 3/4 cup brown sugar, or added 1/4 white sugar, or made a brown sugar crumble for the tops of the muffins.

The apple bread recipe calls for cloves but I didn't have any on hand today.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Macaroni Salad

This is a summer staple! Nothing like a cold pasta salad on a hot day. This is in both the white recipe book and the VMA recipe book (from the 1995 printing). This was submitted to VMA by Mrs. Sarah Elias. 



4 cups macaroni, uncooked
2 cups celery, finely cut
1 cucumber, peeled and diced
1 1/2 cups cubed ham

Dressing:
Blend these ingredients:
1 1/2 cups salad dressing (I use mayo)
1/2 cup cream
1/2 cup Fench dressing
6 Tbsp sugar (or less)
Salt and pepper to taste

Cook macaroni until slightly underdone. Drain well. Rinse with cold water. Drain and rinse again until pasta is cooled. Drain well. 

Combine well with dressing.

One whole recipe makes about 3/4 of an ice cream pail full.

This salad keeps well for a long time.

Notes:
If it is needing to be stored for several days, I'm not sure I would include cucumber. I would wonder if it might get soggy or slimy.

Also, it's best to let it sit for a few hours so the dressing can soak into the macaroni.

I added a small amount of grated onion, maybe about 1 tsp, but I can't taste it. Easily could have used more!

It's fun to use other shapes of pasta as well, like tubetti.

Tastes great with cheese and/or finely chopped red peppers.

Rhubarb Meringue Squares

I had rhubarb and I wanted to make a dessert. I'm not sure I've done this before, but I pulled out the tiny binder my Mom started for her recipe collection and I thought just maybe she would have included the instructions I wanted. Now, I've had very few opportunities to be annoyed with my mother (an absent parent can't make many mistakes!) but seriously? Could the recipe be any less thorough? 


I particularly enjoy the instructions on the next page for "Speedy Marble Cake" that end with "The rest you'll know." No baking time or temperature is given.

I vaguely recall her sitting at the typewriter with these small sheets of paper, five inches tall, pecking out her recipes. There are only 40 recipes included. All desserts, muffins, or loaves. Three are peanut butter based, so I suspect it must have been a favourite ingredient. Fewer than half the pages in this book are filled, which is sad. I'm sure she intended to include more, but raising three little kids aged seven and under, and helping at my parents' grocery store, she will have been busy. And then she became ill and quickly her strength and health were gone.

I don't know how long I've had this recipe book, and it hasn't often been part of my conscious thought, but I do know that when I purchased a binder to start my own collection of favourites, there was only one colour I wanted: red.

Let's get to the recipe. I've borrowed additional information from the VMA recipe book (printed in 1995) and page 108 has almost the identical recipe, submitted by Nettie Wiebe. I've combined the two:

Base:
1 cup butter, softened
2 cups flour
1 Tbsp sugar

Rhubarb mixture:
5 cups rhubarb
4 Tbsp flour
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup cream
6 egg yolks

Meringue:
6 egg whites
12 Tbsp sugar
2 tsp vanilla

Base:
Blend butter, sugar, and flour. Press into cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. (I wonder if a 9x13 would have been better? The rhubarb layer is very thin on such a large baking pan.)

Rhubarb mixture:
Mix it, pour it over baked crust. Bake for 45 minutes.

Meringue:
Beat to form peaks; slowly adding sugar. Add vanilla at the end.

Spread meringue over baked squares, continue baking until it has browned.

You may have noticed my Mom has coconut included on top. I didn't add it.

This is not a very sweet dessert! The VMA recipe says to use 2 cups of sugar in the rhubarb mixture, but I thought it might be too much. I might go for 1 cup next time.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Vanilla Cream Pie

This is the base I use for banana cream pie. It's based on "Banana Cream Pie I" from allrecipes.com.  

1/2 cup white sugar
1/3 cup flour
1/4 tsp salt

2 cups 3% milk (not skim!)

2 eggs, beaten

2 Tbsp butter
1 1/2 tsp vanilla

1x9" deep dish pie crust, baked

In a saucepan, combine the sugar, flour, and salt. Add milk in gradually while stirring gently. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture is bubbly. Keep stirring and cook for about 2 more minutes, and then remove from the burner.

Stir a small quantity of the hot mixture into the beaten eggs, and immediately add egg mixture to the rest of the hot mixture. Cook for 2 more minutes; remember to keep stirring.

Remove the mixture from the stove, and add butter and vanilla. Stir until the whole thing has a smooth consistency.

Cover with plastic wrap and chill for several hours.
If you want this to be a banana pie, simply add sliced bananas on top when you serve it. 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Hands Raised to God in Surrender

Two years ago I started following a prayer-requesting Facebook group called "Please Pray For Rosalie". This beautiful little girl was in a coma after a near-drowning incident. We all see many causes online, but this one caught my attention because it could be any one of us in that situation, and the mother was writing about faith and prayers and Scripture in what must have been the worst days of her life. It has always been clear that this family wants Jesus name to be shared through every circumstance they faced; life or death, health and healing or not.

It's no secret that we've had an extended season of difficulty in our household. To be very clear, I am not comparing my situation to the loss of a child. But I can relate to a situation that feels huge and heavy and impossible, both in my Mom's 16 years of hospitalization and her death as well as our marriage and family issues. 


In my head I knew I "should" surrender my circumstances to God, and now that I think about it, it was probably the Spirit whispering it to me as well. But I would argue, but God won't take this weight off my shoulders, my situation won't change anyway...


And then I read this post on Rosalie's page. (Shared with permission by her mother Tiffany.)




About 9 months into Rosalie’s accident I was on a run when I became completely overwhelmed with sadness and I remember asking God if this pain was ever going to go away. I started to believe that there was no way out of the pain and that it was just going to be a new part of my everyday life. I remember tears just falling down my face, I felt out of breath as if I was having an anxiety attack. I remember falling to my knees in the middle of the road with my arms stretched towards God. I told him that I didn’t know how I was going to make it through this. At this point Rosalie was still in a coma and we had no idea what the future held for her. As I cried and cried I remember the feeling of peace overwhelming me. I remember laughing my tears away because it felt like a huge bag of bricks had been instantly removed from my chest. I was knelt there thinking am I dreaming?? Is this feeling for real? I continued to talk with God about this new found feeling that I was having. What I heard from the Lord will forever change my life. This is what the Lord spoke to my heart “This feeling is what it feels like to let go and let me have your fear and worry of the future. I want all of you not just part.” WOW!

When we let go and let God, that’s when we truly experience the peace that surpasses all understanding no matter the circumstances we may be facing. God doesn’t want us to just give him “some” things he wants us to give him everything all the time completely surrendering control to him. I can’t thank God enough for that day, he gave me clarity and wisdom that continues to spill into my everyday life. When we surrender our whole self to God giving him all control, does that mean that I won’t be fearful or worried again?? No way!! There are things that I face every day that bring fear to my heart but I have a choice! A choice to allow myself to worry or I can fall on my knees time and time again and ask God to take it from me. Every time my knees hit the floor and I beg God to take this from me, he doesn’t just do it sometime… HE DOES IT EVERYTIME!


Maybe its sickness, marriage problems, single mom or dad trying to make it, maybe money struggle, drugs, alcohol, abuse, job struggles, your past or death like we have faced. Whatever you are facing right now God is able and ready to be your prince of peace. He is ready to show you a freedom that you never thought possible. He is able! He is ready! He Loves you no matter where you are or have been. Fall on your knees today before the Lord. He is ready to fight for you, beside you and with you as you face the struggles of this life.


One place that the enemy really tries to bring me down is the day at the pool. Even though it’s been almost 2 years he still tries. Just the other day I was driving and thoughts just began to flood my mind. My heart began to break as haunting visions filled my thoughts. I had to pull the car over because I felt as if I was going to have an anxiety attack. My breaths started to get shorter and shorter and tears started running down my face. I stopped the car and on the side of the road I asked God to come to me and protect my heart and my mind from the enemies attempt to destroy my peace and joy. I spoke out loud to the enemy that my God was bigger than him and he needed to flee from me in the name of Jesus! I prayed and prayed until I could no longer even think a thought of the day at the pool. The Lord completely took over my thoughts and filled them with thoughts that were close to his.


Time and time again I surrender control of my life to Christ and time and time again he is faithful to me. I know who holds my future so as I walk this life I want to walk as close to him and his plan for my future as possible. We need to be people who trust the Lord in everything, not just the easy things but the things that are hard as well. The things that we still don’t understand put our trust in him. There is no joy in fearing or worrying but through prayer and the word of God, there is joy and peace in giving up control to the one who holds our future.


No matter what we face here there is HOPE in Jesus! He can bring us out of darkness and into light and as we continue to seek.


“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Exodus 14:14




“We fall down we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus.
The greatness of mercy and love, at the feet of Jesus”

This image, a woman so burdened and broken that she is on her knees on the road with her hands raised to God, stayed in my mind. She raised her hands and God actually lifted her burden. (I know; shouldn't be a surprise because the Word says He will do it.) It spoke to me and I knew this was a lesson I needed to learn.


I grabbed a video at church today. I sometimes get a sense that I am directed by God to choose a certain movie, and while I was not in the mood for a teaching DVD, I felt compelled to grab one by Louie Giglio. He's got some neat stuff, I figured. Entertaining and teaching. The second half of the video grabbed my attention. He spoke on raising our hands, how it's not a denomination or personality "thing". It's a basic human instinct. When we celebrate, when we connect with something or someone, or in times of crisis, human instinct is often to raise our hands. He shared a struggle he had had and how the Holy Spirit put a phrase of praise in his mind during this dark time. At night when he couldn't sleep, he could only lift his hands to God in desperation and repeat the phrase. In a song writing session with Chris Tomlin, the phrases came together and sounded like this:


Be still, there is a Healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy is unfailing

His arms, a fortress for the weak


Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge,
You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever.

Obviously by this point, I'm tuned in that God wants me to hear this, learn it, and do it. Got it. Loud and clear. 

Then I open my Facebook and my "buddy" (I almost feel like I know him personally after the 40 Days In The Word study!) Rick Warren has posted this:


Tiffany ended her message to me with these words: Sometimes our situations don't always change the way we hope but God can bring us joy no matter what we face.

June 9, 2014:
God is driving this point home! He pointed me to this video about praise this weekend, from LifeChurch.tv and the speaker is Carl Lentz from Hillsong Church New York. Starting at 14 minutes he specifically talks about raising hands:




















Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Breakfast pizza

I used my standard thick crust pizza recipe. Unless you have loads of time to let it rise and bake in the morning, I suggest making the crust in advance.

Bake crust for 10 minutes so toppings don't soak the crust.

Fry 1 pkg bacon (I cut it into small pieces with a scissor before I fry it)
Drain on paper towels.

In a mixing bowl, add:
1 small can pizza sauce (garlic and basil is good!)
Equal portion of cream
1-2 cups shredded cheese
6 cooked scrambled eggs, seasoned with salt and pepper
1 Tbsp chopped onion

Mix all of the topping ingredients. Spread onto crust. Bake for five minutes to heat through and broil for a few minutes until it's bubbly.

Notes:
This would be incredible as a ham and pineapple pizza (again with eggs) or whatever version of pizza or breakfast you enjoy!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Pizza Variations




Pizzas have four components:
Crust
Sauce
Toppings
Cheese

CRUST
I have two different crust recipes, which are open to variation as well:
1) Thin crust
2) Thick crust

Variations:
- use tomato juice in place of water (not my favorite, but fun to try)
- add chopped onion in crust
- Parmesan or other cheese is good in a crust
- garlic powder and basil is a good combo in the crust as well

Good options but not open to variation:
- pita bread
- tortillas

SAUCE

-Pizza Sauce (tomato based)
- ranch dressing
- barbecue sauce
- Alfredo sauce (cream, salt, pepper, parsley, garlic, cornstarch to thicken)
- plum sauce
- pasta sauce
- Caesar dressing

TOPPINGS
- ground beef
- farmer sausage (scramble fried)
- chicken
- deli meat (ham, salami, pepperoni, etc)
- onion (raw or fried)
- peppers (raw or roasted)
- crushed nachos, chopped lettuce and tomatoes on a taco beef pizza
- lettuce (added immediately prior to serving) on chicken Caesar pizza
- breakfast pizza (I've only made this on a tortilla but I suspect a thin or thick crust would work too); scrambled eggs, ham or bacon, pineapple, cheese, tomato based pizza sauce

CHEESE
But here's my favourite trick for creamy, delicious pizza without using $10 worth of cheese! Mix the sauce and toppings together, then add 1 to 2 cups of shredded cheese. It doesn't take much! The cheese and sauce combine and while it's not going to give you mile-long cheese strings, it's creamy and cheesy enough! Makes homemade pizza more budget-friendly!


If you want to get extra adventurous, here's a Thai chicken pizza recipe.

Strawberry "Cinnamon" Buns




I used the bun dough recipe from cinnamon buns with mashed potatoes but since I halved the recipe, I'll write it out.

Bun dough:

1/2 cup mashed potatoes

1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 tbsp yeast
1 cup warm milk
1/3 cup softened margarine
1 egg beaten
1/3 cup sugar
1/2 tsp salt
4 cups flour (approximately)

Mix all ingredients, let rise for 1 hour in a warm, damp spot. (Inside the microwave works well, with a mug of steaming water.)

Filling:
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 cup water
1/4 cup sugar
2 Tbsp cornstarch
1/2 cup strawberry jam

Combine ingredients in a pot or microwave safe bowl. Summer until berries are thawed. I didn't want chunks of fruit, so I used a hand blender to smooth it out. If it's too thin, simmer a bit longer. 

Glaze:
2 Tbsp strawberry mixture
1 1/2 cups icing sugar
1/4 cup milk

I mixed this in the same pot I used for the fruit mixture, not to simmer it but just to warm it a bit. Pour over buns as they come out of the oven.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Chickpea-stuffed Shells


Another delicious dinner from the white recipe book! This one was contributed by Audrey Friesen.

This fills a 9x13 pan and serves 4.


18 uncooked jumbo pasta shells
1 can (15 oz) chickpeas or garbanzo beans, rinsed and drained
2 egg whites
1 carton (15 oz) reduced fat ricotta cheese
1/2 cup minced fresh parsley (or use dried)
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 small onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
1 jar (28oz) meatless spaghetti sauce, divided
1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese 

Cook pasta according to directions. 

Meanwhile, place chickpeas and egg whites in food processor or blender; cover and process until smooth. Add ricotta cheese, parsley, Parmesan, onion, and garlic; cover and process until well blended. Pour 1 1/4 cups of spaghetti sauce into an ungreased 9x13 baking dish; set aside.

Drain pasta shells; stuff with chick pea mixture. Place on the sauce in the pan. Drizzle with remaining sauce. Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. Bake 5-10 minutes longer or until cheese is melted and sauce is bubbly.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Cheese Stuffed Manicotti

Another new favourite from The White Recipe Book. If you haven't heard me rave about it, it's a collection of recipes compiled by a group of women from Fort Garry EMC. It's better than Google or Pinterest. 

This one was contributed by Daphne Thiessen.


She notes that this recipe will fill 8 oven-ready manicotti shells or 20 - 25 cannelloni shells. (I used a PC brand of manicotti, which was the same size as the cannelloni, and I was able to stuff the entire pack of pasta.) 

Filling
2 eggs
2 cups mozzarella cheese, shredded
1 1/2 cups ricotta cheese
1/3 cup Parmesan cheese
1 Tbsp parsley
Salt, pepper
300 g frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained

1 1/2 to 2 jars of your favorite pasta sauce
Cream (it makes the tomato sauce a bit more mellow)

Mix filling ingredients and stuff pasta. Grease a 9 x 13 baking dish. Pour enough sauce into pan cover bottom. Arrange stuffed manicotti on sauce. Pour over remaining sauce. Top with additional grated cheese, if desired. Bake 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until bubbly.

Serves 4

Notes:
I tossed all ingredients into a large freezer bag. I smushed it around and it quickly combined. I snipped a small corner off and squeezed it straight into the pasta.

I didn't see the instruction on the package saying the noodles needed to be cooked first. I realized this after 25 minutes of baking uncovered. I added a cup of hot water, covered it with foil, returned it to the oven for 30 minutes. It cooked beautifully without getting mushy. 

This would be even better accompanied by a crisp, fresh salad!

It would also be tasty with alfredo sauce, or even a cream of mushroom sauce!

It could easily be a potato or rice dish as well.

Update, May 27, 2014:
I put the leftovers into a glass loaf pan with extra sauce, covered it with foil, and popped it into the freezer. I let thaw in the fridge for 24 hours, then reheated for 30 minutes, covered. It's almost identically delicious as the first day I made it!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Life with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Stuff like this DOES happen in Christian households and I appreciate an article that isn't just about a woman needing to try harder, to love or respect her husband more. This article does suggest that the end result is to have the couple reunited, however, that isn't always the case.


Life with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:
The Verbally Abusive Marriage

Dr. David Hawkins, Director, The Marriage Recovery Center
Monday, December 22, 2008

 “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tom said angrily to his wife, Kari. “You’re crazy and everyone knows it. Even your friends think you’re nuts.” 

“I can’t believe you’re talking to me this way,” Kari said, still trying to gather her wits. She stood in her kitchen stunned. 

“You’re ridiculous,” he shouted. 

“Please don’t talk to me like this,” she said weakly. 

“I can and I will,” Tom asserted. “You need a good shrink, but I doubt even he could help you.”

Kari started to cry. 

“Oh, and now you’re going to cry, trying to make me feel bad,” Tom said, hovering over her and pointing his finger. “You’re pathetic.”

With that Tom walked out of the house, slamming the door.

Kari crumpled to the floor, oblivious to the fact that their two children were quietly sitting in their rooms, praying the fighting would stop. 

Kari wouldn’t talk about scenes like this for years, partly because of shame and partly because of fear. It’s never easy to share facts about verbal abuse in marriage. It’s never easy to admit your husband, or wife, has shameful aspects to their personality. 

You may be tempted to believe a scene like this happens infrequently. You might think it could never happen in a Christian home. Yet, neither of these facts are true—verbal abuse occurs frequently and in Christian homes. Verbal abuse is part of far too many relationships, with 98% of victims being female, and is characterized by the following:
  • Attacks on personal character
  • Blame and accusations
  • Shame and judging
  • Sarcasm and twisting what you say
  • Rewriting history
  • Playing the victim
  • Manipulation, control and coercion
  • Unpredictable explosions
  • Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
  • Swearing
  • Intimidation
  • Escalating situations
Certainly we can see several of these symptoms in the above situation. Tom degrades Kari, as well as using shame in an attempt to make her feel bad and conform to his expectations. He taunts her for crying, and calls her names. He tries to undermine her esteem by telling her she needs professional help. His actions are deplorable. 

In a world where Dr. Jekyl can turn into the harsh, abusive Mr. Hyde in an instant, it is common to tiptoe, walking on eggshells. You don’t know what will set him off, or when. You are afraid of him, and are never sure what he is capable of doing. You apologize unnecessarily, and are compliant to his wishes and control. Deep inside you know his actions are wrong, but you’ve been hurt so many times and your self-esteem has suffered. You try again and again to make the verbal abuse seem “normal.” You rationalize that the abuse will end and he’ll improve, tomorrow—but tomorrow never comes. 

How can we better understand Tom? We must be careful to see that he is complex, with different sides to his personality—some quite horrific. 

Tom is not simply a ‘bad man.’ He does many good, virtuous things: He sings in the choir, coaches his children’s soccer, and serves on the Elder board at his church. He is dedicated to his family, and believes in the sanctity of his marriage. He has never cheated on his wife and would never consider divorce. 

Tom has a hidden side to his personality, a side that he doesn’t like to admit. Behind the pleasant and responsible exterior, there is another Tom. He is abusive and controlling. He hates it when Kari insists that he change and tries to manipulate her into thinking it’s all her fault. While he is always sorry for his outbursts, he never truly makes efforts to change. In addition to being Dr. Jekyl, he is Mr. Hyde. As long as he denies these character traits, they will not go away. 

Tolerating Tom’s behavior only reinforces and enables it. Men, and women, have rage issues partially because someone in their world tolerates and enables them. The victim is often tempted to hide these problems because of feeling embarrassed, ashamed and even frightened. When rage reactions and verbal abuse are no longer tolerated, however, they cease. Thus, it is critical that every couple expose any form of violence in their relationship, and determine to eradicate it. 

The Scriptures speak strongly against verbal abuse. Proverbs 22: 24 says, “Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man.” Ephesians 4: 21 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Other Scriptures implore us to be even-minded, kind, considerate and caring. The fruits of the Spirit include self-control—not a characteristic of the verbally abusive individual. 

Tom will not change without intervention. After confrontation, and in moments of apparent remorse, Tom may say he will change. As much as he insists that he can change, in all likelihood he won’t change until he must change. Being sorry for his actions isn’t enough. Promising to change isn’t enough. Changing for a short time isn’t enough. Rather, taking decisive actions that lead to true and lasting character change are necessary. 

Tell Tom his verbal abuse will not be tolerated. When you set this boundary, you must be prepared to follow through. If he is verbally abusive again, insist that either he or you will leave temporarily until therapeutic change has been initiated. 

If you are married to a man, or woman, who has a hidden problem with verbal violence, name it for what it is: abuse. Become informed about the symptoms of verbal abuse, and agree to end it. Then, after being clear about the destructive element in your marriage, agree on action that will lead to change—treatment. Insist that your husband, or wife, receive specific treatment that ensures change. Set a clear boundary that says violence won’t be tolerated. Not one ounce. Never. 

If you are the victim of verbal abuse, seek safety. Find someone you can trust to share your information with and take steps to put an end to the violence.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Of Resounding Gongs

If LOVE
is not patient
is not kind
if it envies or boasts
if it is proud or self-seeking
is easily angered
keeps records of wrongs
delights in evil instead of truth
if it doesn't protect, hope, or persevere

THEN IT IS NOT LOVE

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Couples Counseling for Abusive Relationships

I wish I would have read and understood this many years ago: couples counseling is not intended for marriages where abuse is a factor. Here is how author Lundy Bancroft explains it in his book Why Does He Do That?

"Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before. Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to a relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can't accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse. There can be no positive communication when one person doesn't respect the other and strives to avoid equality. You can't take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe -- because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in achieving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you."

I would add that any marriage program such as counseling, books, workshops, mentorship, and so on, must have a firm grasp on abuse what it looks like, how it works, and an appropriate response, meaning it needs to be shut down until the primary issue is resolved. There was one counselor we met with during a particularly difficult season and I didn't have the courage to explain our situation to her for a number of sessions. When I finally gathered up the ability to suggest that we had a serious problem with our marriage, she nearly yelled, "Bullshit! Bullshit!"  and proceeded to blast me for even suggesting that I didn't have any responsibility in a marriage that wasn't working. I don't recall the exact words I said to her, but I recall that was very difficult to open up to begin with and she tore into me. Christian counselor, by the way.

We have participated in very informative marriage events, but they do not address the primary issue and in fact, only provided additional ammunition to be used to put the wife "in her place". It increases the dynamic of the woman needing to try harder to be the "right" person and to do the "right" thing so as to not upset her husband. The imbalance of this type of relationship increases because additional blame is placed on the wife, by the counselor, the husband, or the wife puts it on herself, and responsibility and focus comes off of the primary issue. This is one reason women stay in these types of relationships; they believe if they just try harder or try again or try longer or try the next idea that it might just be the turning point of the marriage.

The author goes on to say, "Change in abusers comes only… from completely stepping out of the notion that his partner plays any role in causing his abuse of her. An abuser also has to stop focusing on his feelings and his partner's behavior, and look instead at her feelings and his behavior. Couples counseling allows him to stay stuck in the former. In fact, to some therapists, feelings are all that matters, in reality it's more or less irrelevant. In this context, therapist may turn to you and say, "But he feels abused by you, too.' Unfortunately, the more an abusive man is convinced that his grievances are more or less equal to yours, the less the chance that he will ever overcome his attitudes."

The point the author emphasizes and one point I want to express clearly, "Abuse is not caused by bad relationship dynamics."

Beware of any counseling scenario that includes the safety agreement; they're meaningless, "because abusers feel no obligation to honor them; virtually every abuser I've ever worked with feels entitled to break his word if he has a 'good enough reason', which includes any time that he is really upset by his partner."

Couples counseling is not designed to address the issue of abuse; the woman comes away from it feeling further violated, and those trained in couples counseling aren't necessarily trained to effectively tackle the issue of abuse. And that means, not getting any counseling would be better than couples counseling.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

April 19, 2014

I'm running through the list in my head.

"Don't sweat the small stuff."
Forgive.
Get rest.
Exercise.
Self-care.
Connect in church.
Pray.
Pray for others.
Serve others.
Eat chocolate.
Avoid drugs and alcohol.
Set boundaries.
Be vulnerable.
Do things you enjoy.
Avoid negativity.
Create or find joy.
Read the Bible.
Talk with trusted girlfriends.
Get good individual counseling.
Laugh.
Cry.
Praise.
Fast.
Be anointed with oil.
Lay it on the altar. Bring it to the cross. Give it to Jesus.
Take an honest look at yourself and work on your own issues.
Treat yourself to something.
Minimize commitments.
Take responsibility.
Don't surround yourself with "yes people".
Choose supports carefully.
Be clear and direct with people.
Don't blame.
Build self-esteem.
Trust that God has a plan.
Submit to your husband.
Deal with issues from childhood.
"Love your enemies".
Learn communication skills.
Establish routines.
Learn to be content in all conditions.
Journal.
Work toward reconciliation.
Practice patient endurance.
Let go of ego.

Check, and check.

I am apparently doing the "right" things, and yet I am sitting here with anxiety-based chest pains, wanting to climb out of my own skin to try to escape the inner chaos.

It seems the only thing left to do is to entirely stop fighting for my marriage, but then everything I've tried to stand for these past few years amounts to absolutely nothing.

Looking at that list, I am reminded of something.

One thing I have not done very much of, is speak publicly about primary issues. I think people have seen lesser issues as primary ones, and I guess if you don't have all of the information, that could make sense.

Here's the thing. It's not that I have started doing these things after my marriage broke up. I have been doing these things for years and the more I have done them, the worse my marriage became. It shouldn't work that way.

Looking at the list, truth gains clarity in my mind. No matter what I do or how hard I try or do everything "right" (which is impossible), I am still in a marriage where the word "abusive" would be applicable and accurate.

It is living with this, and living with it mostly in secret that's so painful. It is my word against his. And the nature of this issue is that his word becomes more believable, so another aspect that weighs heavily on me is people who know the facts but don't believe me.

I see my kids struggle. I hold them as they cry. I get texts from the kid sitting alone at home who is wishing to be surrounded by family. There is no grudge deep enough that I would insist on holding onto it after I hold my baby on my lap and she sobs her tiny little heart out.

No matter how much I reflect on my past, my disappointments, mistakes, failures, regrets, even going back and fixing what I can, it does not change our current circumstances.

The primary issue is not my mom or additional-needs kids. The primary issue is not that I must be tough to live with because frankly, we all are.

But why on earth would I post this publicly?
-the more secrecy involved, the more this issue thrives
-it is very difficult to live like this, trying to live like things are on the mend, people seeing the five of us together and assuming good things are happening.
- if I posted here, everyone can read my words firsthand.
- I feel like I'm in a war, fighting for my marriage and I'll do anything to try to make it work

I am missing out on my kids' lives and I cannot change that unless I take down necessarily-set boundaries. The primary issue needs to take a 180° turn, and that is not my responsibility.