I'm running through the list in my head.
"Don't sweat the small stuff."
Forgive.
Get rest.
Exercise.
Self-care.
Connect in church.
Pray.
Pray for others.
Serve others.
Eat chocolate.
Avoid drugs and alcohol.
Set boundaries.
Be vulnerable.
Do things you enjoy.
Avoid negativity.
Create or find joy.
Read the Bible.
Talk with trusted girlfriends.
Get good individual counseling.
Laugh.
Cry.
Praise.
Fast.
Be anointed with oil.
Lay it on the altar. Bring it to the cross. Give it to Jesus.
Take an honest look at yourself and work on your own issues.
Treat yourself to something.
Minimize commitments.
Take responsibility.
Don't surround yourself with "yes people".
Choose supports carefully.
Be clear and direct with people.
Don't blame.
Build self-esteem.
Trust that God has a plan.
Submit to your husband.
Deal with issues from childhood.
"Love your enemies".
Learn communication skills.
Establish routines.
Learn to be content in all conditions.
Journal.
Work toward reconciliation.
Practice patient endurance.
Let go of ego.
Check, and check.
I am apparently doing the "right" things, and yet I am sitting here with anxiety-based chest pains, wanting to climb out of my own skin to try to escape the inner chaos.
It seems the only thing left to do is to entirely stop fighting for my marriage, but then everything I've tried to stand for these past few years amounts to absolutely nothing.
Looking at that list, I am reminded of something.
One thing I have not done very much of, is speak publicly about primary issues. I think people have seen lesser issues as primary ones, and I guess if you don't have all of the information, that could make sense.
Here's the thing. It's not that I have started doing these things after my marriage broke up. I have been doing these things for years and the more I have done them, the worse my marriage became. It shouldn't work that way.
Looking at the list, truth gains clarity in my mind. No matter what I do or how hard I try or do everything "right" (which is impossible), I am still in a marriage where the word "abusive" would be applicable and accurate.
It is living with this, and living with it mostly in secret that's so painful. It is my word against his. And the nature of this issue is that his word becomes more believable, so another aspect that weighs heavily on me is people who know the facts but don't believe me.
I see my kids struggle. I hold them as they cry. I get texts from the kid sitting alone at home who is wishing to be surrounded by family. There is no grudge deep enough that I would insist on holding onto it after I hold my baby on my lap and she sobs her tiny little heart out.
No matter how much I reflect on my past, my disappointments, mistakes, failures, regrets, even going back and fixing what I can, it does not change our current circumstances.
The primary issue is not my mom or additional-needs kids. The primary issue is not that I must be tough to live with because frankly, we all are.
But why on earth would I post this publicly?
-the more secrecy involved, the more this issue thrives
-it is very difficult to live like this, trying to live like things are on the mend, people seeing the five of us together and assuming good things are happening.
- if I posted here, everyone can read my words firsthand.
- I feel like I'm in a war, fighting for my marriage and I'll do anything to try to make it work
I am missing out on my kids' lives and I cannot change that unless I take down necessarily-set boundaries. The primary issue needs to take a 180° turn, and that is not my responsibility.
"Don't sweat the small stuff."
Forgive.
Get rest.
Exercise.
Self-care.
Connect in church.
Pray.
Pray for others.
Serve others.
Eat chocolate.
Avoid drugs and alcohol.
Set boundaries.
Be vulnerable.
Do things you enjoy.
Avoid negativity.
Create or find joy.
Read the Bible.
Talk with trusted girlfriends.
Get good individual counseling.
Laugh.
Cry.
Praise.
Fast.
Be anointed with oil.
Lay it on the altar. Bring it to the cross. Give it to Jesus.
Take an honest look at yourself and work on your own issues.
Treat yourself to something.
Minimize commitments.
Take responsibility.
Don't surround yourself with "yes people".
Choose supports carefully.
Be clear and direct with people.
Don't blame.
Build self-esteem.
Trust that God has a plan.
Submit to your husband.
Deal with issues from childhood.
"Love your enemies".
Learn communication skills.
Establish routines.
Learn to be content in all conditions.
Journal.
Work toward reconciliation.
Practice patient endurance.
Let go of ego.
Check, and check.
I am apparently doing the "right" things, and yet I am sitting here with anxiety-based chest pains, wanting to climb out of my own skin to try to escape the inner chaos.
It seems the only thing left to do is to entirely stop fighting for my marriage, but then everything I've tried to stand for these past few years amounts to absolutely nothing.
Looking at that list, I am reminded of something.
One thing I have not done very much of, is speak publicly about primary issues. I think people have seen lesser issues as primary ones, and I guess if you don't have all of the information, that could make sense.
Here's the thing. It's not that I have started doing these things after my marriage broke up. I have been doing these things for years and the more I have done them, the worse my marriage became. It shouldn't work that way.
Looking at the list, truth gains clarity in my mind. No matter what I do or how hard I try or do everything "right" (which is impossible), I am still in a marriage where the word "abusive" would be applicable and accurate.
It is living with this, and living with it mostly in secret that's so painful. It is my word against his. And the nature of this issue is that his word becomes more believable, so another aspect that weighs heavily on me is people who know the facts but don't believe me.
I see my kids struggle. I hold them as they cry. I get texts from the kid sitting alone at home who is wishing to be surrounded by family. There is no grudge deep enough that I would insist on holding onto it after I hold my baby on my lap and she sobs her tiny little heart out.
No matter how much I reflect on my past, my disappointments, mistakes, failures, regrets, even going back and fixing what I can, it does not change our current circumstances.
The primary issue is not my mom or additional-needs kids. The primary issue is not that I must be tough to live with because frankly, we all are.
But why on earth would I post this publicly?
-the more secrecy involved, the more this issue thrives
-it is very difficult to live like this, trying to live like things are on the mend, people seeing the five of us together and assuming good things are happening.
- if I posted here, everyone can read my words firsthand.
- I feel like I'm in a war, fighting for my marriage and I'll do anything to try to make it work
I am missing out on my kids' lives and I cannot change that unless I take down necessarily-set boundaries. The primary issue needs to take a 180° turn, and that is not my responsibility.
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