I don't know if writing another post in one day is my brain being obsessive-compulsive or if it's as if I'm pulling my finger out of the cracking dam??? Perhaps it doesn't matter.
I've been bouncing this idea around in my head and I'd be interested in hearing people's thoughts about special days (holidays, birthdays, etc) being ruined by loss, grief, or expressions of mourning. As much as I'd like to say it shouldn't be that way or we shouldn't feel that way, the loss of my Mom makes Christmas very difficult and Mother's Day near impossible. I wonder... if we give ourselves permission to feel horrible for the first few special days, would we then find the freedom to enjoy those special days in the future? What if for this year, or maybe a few years, we let ourselves off the hook and not expect ourselves to fully enjoy those special days, would we find that maybe we can experience moments of joy? Maybe not, but maybe yes? Or can we give ourselves permission to skip certain days entirely?
One of the things I've learned is to be sensitive to people who fall into the "other" category. When we're at a baby shower, are there women who dreamed of having babies but it never happened, or perhaps have experienced the pain of miscarriage? Are there people who feel loss rather than celebration on Mother's Day or Father's Day?
So then, the question becomes, what do I need to experience during these special occasions? I wasn't sure how to include my Mom on my wedding day. She was still alive at that time, but I didn't want her to be the focus of the day. That sounds callous or self-centered, but since the beginning of her illness, we were very protective of her and tried our best to avoid people who wanted to see her out of curiosity instead of relationship and well-meaning people who wished she could just die already. My wedding day was going to be about me and my husband and it was going to be happy and celebratory, and I didn't want a pall of sadness, grief, and loss to cover the entire day. So, what we did was head over to the hospital with the wedding party, my family, and my husband's parents, and did a mini-ceremony with my Mom. I had bought her a flower to wear for the day as well and the nurses had found a suitable dress for her to wear (nurses who love what they do are super heroes). Even though it meant keeping our guests waiting at the church before serving lunch, it was important for me to include her. What I WISH I had done was actually allow myself to cry about it and acknowledge that it was messed up that this was how things happened. I've spend entirely too much time trying to convince myself that "this is my life and I'm okay with that".
My sister, on the other hand, wasn't able to include Mom in person because she had passed away by that point. What she did was find a flower that was similar to the flowers my Mom carried in her own wedding pictures and incorporate that into her bouquet. No one would know unless they had been told. What our step-mother did to honor our Mom and my sister was to take a small, inconspicuous piece from our Mom's navy wedding dress and have a garter made. Another gesture that was filled with so much love and meaning, but again no one would know about it unless they had been told.
I often think of other events, like family gatherings. We're all getting together to celebrate Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving or whatever. Do I say something? Is anyone else thinking about the people that we've lost? Is it just me? Does anyone else wish someone would say something? A couple of years ago, we took a family picture with my Mom's entire family. My Grandpa's health was slipping, he wasn't always himself anymore, so it was just time. I think it had been about 25 years since we had done a picture of all of us together. However, when we have a photo of "all of us" and not "all of us" are still alive, (our oldest cousin, Rob passed away several years earlier and my Mom was gone by then too), it's natural to think of people who have passed. I personally think we add to an occasion if there are moments of sadness and not just happiness, because it's real and honest and healing. I took the risk and said, "it's sad that Rob and my Mom aren't here". Actually I had talked to my Grandma about it beforehand and she encouraged me to say something.
I'm not saying we need to go on and on about who or what has been lost. I've found for myself, often a simple small recognition makes a world of difference. I'll sit through a Mother's Day church service and if there's even one mention of "not everyone has a Mom", I'm pretty much good to go. I wish people would understand that even though loss, particularly my loss, happened a long time ago, it is often on-going loss. There was the loss of having her involved with my life as a kid and then as an adult, the physical loss when she passed, the loss of not having her mentoring me as a wife and mom, the loss of who she would have been as my kids' Grandma, and so on.
When we experience loss, or watch others experience loss, we feel the need to put something in its place. Many well-meaning people have felt I could substitute another woman in place of my Mom or decide my mother-in-law is now my Mom. I've had a number of amazing women mentor me, walk beside me, and be a friend to me, they were not my Mom. Personally, I feel it's a sentiment intended for the person saying it to feel better and to wrap up a tough situation with a comfortable bow, but what I hear from those words is, "you need to forget the past and just focus on what you have now" or "how I feel about my Mom is more important than how you feel about your Mom".
The reality is, these are the thoughts, feelings, and experiences I carry with me all the time, even on special occasions and holidays, along with the question, "are special days ruined by grief and mourning?"
I've been bouncing this idea around in my head and I'd be interested in hearing people's thoughts about special days (holidays, birthdays, etc) being ruined by loss, grief, or expressions of mourning. As much as I'd like to say it shouldn't be that way or we shouldn't feel that way, the loss of my Mom makes Christmas very difficult and Mother's Day near impossible. I wonder... if we give ourselves permission to feel horrible for the first few special days, would we then find the freedom to enjoy those special days in the future? What if for this year, or maybe a few years, we let ourselves off the hook and not expect ourselves to fully enjoy those special days, would we find that maybe we can experience moments of joy? Maybe not, but maybe yes? Or can we give ourselves permission to skip certain days entirely?
One of the things I've learned is to be sensitive to people who fall into the "other" category. When we're at a baby shower, are there women who dreamed of having babies but it never happened, or perhaps have experienced the pain of miscarriage? Are there people who feel loss rather than celebration on Mother's Day or Father's Day?
So then, the question becomes, what do I need to experience during these special occasions? I wasn't sure how to include my Mom on my wedding day. She was still alive at that time, but I didn't want her to be the focus of the day. That sounds callous or self-centered, but since the beginning of her illness, we were very protective of her and tried our best to avoid people who wanted to see her out of curiosity instead of relationship and well-meaning people who wished she could just die already. My wedding day was going to be about me and my husband and it was going to be happy and celebratory, and I didn't want a pall of sadness, grief, and loss to cover the entire day. So, what we did was head over to the hospital with the wedding party, my family, and my husband's parents, and did a mini-ceremony with my Mom. I had bought her a flower to wear for the day as well and the nurses had found a suitable dress for her to wear (nurses who love what they do are super heroes). Even though it meant keeping our guests waiting at the church before serving lunch, it was important for me to include her. What I WISH I had done was actually allow myself to cry about it and acknowledge that it was messed up that this was how things happened. I've spend entirely too much time trying to convince myself that "this is my life and I'm okay with that".
My sister, on the other hand, wasn't able to include Mom in person because she had passed away by that point. What she did was find a flower that was similar to the flowers my Mom carried in her own wedding pictures and incorporate that into her bouquet. No one would know unless they had been told. What our step-mother did to honor our Mom and my sister was to take a small, inconspicuous piece from our Mom's navy wedding dress and have a garter made. Another gesture that was filled with so much love and meaning, but again no one would know about it unless they had been told.
I often think of other events, like family gatherings. We're all getting together to celebrate Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving or whatever. Do I say something? Is anyone else thinking about the people that we've lost? Is it just me? Does anyone else wish someone would say something? A couple of years ago, we took a family picture with my Mom's entire family. My Grandpa's health was slipping, he wasn't always himself anymore, so it was just time. I think it had been about 25 years since we had done a picture of all of us together. However, when we have a photo of "all of us" and not "all of us" are still alive, (our oldest cousin, Rob passed away several years earlier and my Mom was gone by then too), it's natural to think of people who have passed. I personally think we add to an occasion if there are moments of sadness and not just happiness, because it's real and honest and healing. I took the risk and said, "it's sad that Rob and my Mom aren't here". Actually I had talked to my Grandma about it beforehand and she encouraged me to say something.
I'm not saying we need to go on and on about who or what has been lost. I've found for myself, often a simple small recognition makes a world of difference. I'll sit through a Mother's Day church service and if there's even one mention of "not everyone has a Mom", I'm pretty much good to go. I wish people would understand that even though loss, particularly my loss, happened a long time ago, it is often on-going loss. There was the loss of having her involved with my life as a kid and then as an adult, the physical loss when she passed, the loss of not having her mentoring me as a wife and mom, the loss of who she would have been as my kids' Grandma, and so on.
When we experience loss, or watch others experience loss, we feel the need to put something in its place. Many well-meaning people have felt I could substitute another woman in place of my Mom or decide my mother-in-law is now my Mom. I've had a number of amazing women mentor me, walk beside me, and be a friend to me, they were not my Mom. Personally, I feel it's a sentiment intended for the person saying it to feel better and to wrap up a tough situation with a comfortable bow, but what I hear from those words is, "you need to forget the past and just focus on what you have now" or "how I feel about my Mom is more important than how you feel about your Mom".
The reality is, these are the thoughts, feelings, and experiences I carry with me all the time, even on special occasions and holidays, along with the question, "are special days ruined by grief and mourning?"
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