Strength. Who would think it's a word that would stir up such strong feelings! In my experience, the way the word has been used, it has had the opposite effect from what people intend for it to mean.
"You're so strong!"
"I could never go through what you're going through!"
I believe when we look at super tough situations around us, we feel hopeless. What can we do to help our loved one who is in the middle of a huge challenge, possibly even the absolute worst time of their life? What can we say that could make an ounce of difference in their ocean of pain and tears? What if we ask "how are you" and the person starts to cry? It's uncomfortable. It feels bad! So, when we see someone in the middle of a huge challenge and they can laugh and they might not burst into tears when we ask "how are you", it's so much more comfortable. I can tell myself that sharing a laugh or a superficial conversation has helped them (and maybe it has... not every conversation has to be deep and life-changing) and I could find something appropriate to say. Phew! That didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would!
Why is comfortable better? So I don't have to remember my own painful experiences? I don't want to be embarrassed by crying in front of someone? When we are comfortable, that doesn't necessarily mean our loved one is comforted.
What can we say to someone who is struggling? My Dad says it this way, "show up and then shut up!" Let the person speak. When my Mom died, the funeral was in Altona, and we had already been living in Winnipeg for a while. There were many special moments, of course, seeing people we don't see very often, having a small chance to honour some of the nurses who had cared for my Mom for so many years, having our Hutterite friends bless us with their beautiful choir and with food, I can't even list all of the ways it was special. But by far what stands out for me, by far, is when I saw friends show up from the Young Marrieds Bible Study group from our church in Winnipeg. I think I talked to a couple of them, but unfortunately didn't realize until after how many had actually been there. Do I know what they said? No. But just seeing them standing there is engraved in my brain, warms my heart, and raises the humidity in my eye region, to remember it now 10 1/2 years later. Did they have profound words of comfort? Probably not. But they were there.
From the book Understanding Your Grief, the author writes "If you are perceived as 'doing well' with your grief, you are considered 'strong' and 'under control.' The message is that the well-controlled person stays rational at all times." He suggests that we feel shame for mourning (the outward expression of grief), and that society may imply you are "immature", "overly-emotional", or "needy" or in more intense situations, even "crazy" or a "pathological mourner". He goes on to say that "society has it backwards in defining who is 'doing well' in grief and who is 'not going well'."
This part of the book was not only worth underlining, I've added a bracket and a star! "Often combined with these messages is an unstated, but strong belief that 'You have a right not to hurt. So do whatever is necessary to avoid it. Dismiss this trite suggestion... The unfortunate result is you may be encouraged to pop pills, avoid having a funeral ceremony, or deny any and all feelings of loss.... if you avoid your pain, the people around you will not have to 'be with' you in your pain or experience their own pain. While this may be more comfortable for them, it would prove to be unhealthy for you. The reality is that many people will try to shield themselves from pain by trying to protect you from it. Do not let anyone do this to you!"
He adds a quote from Philip Kapleau, "To suppress the grief, the pain, is to condemn oneself to a living death. Living fully means feeling fully; it means being completely one with what you are experiencing and not holding at arm's length.
Fantastic book. I can't say it enough!
I have to mention the other statement I made earlier: "I could never go through what you're going through." Two pieces of good news there. 1) You don't have to! These circumstances were not given to you, they were given to me. 2) Yes, you can! When your time of challenge comes, and it's pretty much a guarantee, you're going to find a way to get up and put one foot in front of the other.
What about reminders that others have it harder than you do? Anyone who's been through anything has probably been told this. Yes, of course we need to keep our circumstances in perspective and not take our blessings for granted. But, reminders that so-and-so has challenges too could come across sounding like, "you're making more of this than is appropriate" or "you don't have it so bad" or "I don't want to hear about it" or my favorite "you have no right to feel that way". By far, the majority of people I have met and talked to about the tough stuff they've had in their life, they are very aware that everyone has something to deal with in life. I know that is true for myself. Having the experiences that I've had, I can recognize similar feelings and thoughts in others. When a mom sits across from me at women's event and casually starts talking about how her son might have autism, she's not crying, not really expressing how difficult it is, just kinda mentioning she has a lot going on right now, I know she's not showing the heap of frustration and tears that come with that situation.
When discussing strength, I've got to mention supports! For myself, I find people who have "been there" or "get it" are priceless! What a relief when we can "compare notes" and feel less abnormal! When I can discuss ADHD and not be treated like I need to discipline my children more, or less, or differently, but rather say, "yep, I can relate!" I treasure friends that can answer my questions about Asperger's and specific issues that come up, or from time to time, we scratch our heads and say, "I have NO idea! Just keep doing your best!" The strength isn't in having the answers, it's in the relationship, the cups of coffee, the laughs and tears, and the listening.
But most importantly, God is our "refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1 NIV) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV) If God is our most important source of strength, and if He IS our strength, why am I putting Him at the end of my post? Because He wants us to go out, be His hands and feet in the flesh. He can be near the hurting person, but He wants us to put our arms around them. He can provide, but we can bring a pot of soup. Many times people don't know where God is in their tough times, or maybe people have never experienced God. The easiest way to see Him is in His people, if we have the strength to do what He asks of us.
"You're so strong!"
"I could never go through what you're going through!"
I believe when we look at super tough situations around us, we feel hopeless. What can we do to help our loved one who is in the middle of a huge challenge, possibly even the absolute worst time of their life? What can we say that could make an ounce of difference in their ocean of pain and tears? What if we ask "how are you" and the person starts to cry? It's uncomfortable. It feels bad! So, when we see someone in the middle of a huge challenge and they can laugh and they might not burst into tears when we ask "how are you", it's so much more comfortable. I can tell myself that sharing a laugh or a superficial conversation has helped them (and maybe it has... not every conversation has to be deep and life-changing) and I could find something appropriate to say. Phew! That didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would!
Why is comfortable better? So I don't have to remember my own painful experiences? I don't want to be embarrassed by crying in front of someone? When we are comfortable, that doesn't necessarily mean our loved one is comforted.
What can we say to someone who is struggling? My Dad says it this way, "show up and then shut up!" Let the person speak. When my Mom died, the funeral was in Altona, and we had already been living in Winnipeg for a while. There were many special moments, of course, seeing people we don't see very often, having a small chance to honour some of the nurses who had cared for my Mom for so many years, having our Hutterite friends bless us with their beautiful choir and with food, I can't even list all of the ways it was special. But by far what stands out for me, by far, is when I saw friends show up from the Young Marrieds Bible Study group from our church in Winnipeg. I think I talked to a couple of them, but unfortunately didn't realize until after how many had actually been there. Do I know what they said? No. But just seeing them standing there is engraved in my brain, warms my heart, and raises the humidity in my eye region, to remember it now 10 1/2 years later. Did they have profound words of comfort? Probably not. But they were there.
From the book Understanding Your Grief, the author writes "If you are perceived as 'doing well' with your grief, you are considered 'strong' and 'under control.' The message is that the well-controlled person stays rational at all times." He suggests that we feel shame for mourning (the outward expression of grief), and that society may imply you are "immature", "overly-emotional", or "needy" or in more intense situations, even "crazy" or a "pathological mourner". He goes on to say that "society has it backwards in defining who is 'doing well' in grief and who is 'not going well'."
This part of the book was not only worth underlining, I've added a bracket and a star! "Often combined with these messages is an unstated, but strong belief that 'You have a right not to hurt. So do whatever is necessary to avoid it. Dismiss this trite suggestion... The unfortunate result is you may be encouraged to pop pills, avoid having a funeral ceremony, or deny any and all feelings of loss.... if you avoid your pain, the people around you will not have to 'be with' you in your pain or experience their own pain. While this may be more comfortable for them, it would prove to be unhealthy for you. The reality is that many people will try to shield themselves from pain by trying to protect you from it. Do not let anyone do this to you!"
He adds a quote from Philip Kapleau, "To suppress the grief, the pain, is to condemn oneself to a living death. Living fully means feeling fully; it means being completely one with what you are experiencing and not holding at arm's length.
Fantastic book. I can't say it enough!
I have to mention the other statement I made earlier: "I could never go through what you're going through." Two pieces of good news there. 1) You don't have to! These circumstances were not given to you, they were given to me. 2) Yes, you can! When your time of challenge comes, and it's pretty much a guarantee, you're going to find a way to get up and put one foot in front of the other.
What about reminders that others have it harder than you do? Anyone who's been through anything has probably been told this. Yes, of course we need to keep our circumstances in perspective and not take our blessings for granted. But, reminders that so-and-so has challenges too could come across sounding like, "you're making more of this than is appropriate" or "you don't have it so bad" or "I don't want to hear about it" or my favorite "you have no right to feel that way". By far, the majority of people I have met and talked to about the tough stuff they've had in their life, they are very aware that everyone has something to deal with in life. I know that is true for myself. Having the experiences that I've had, I can recognize similar feelings and thoughts in others. When a mom sits across from me at women's event and casually starts talking about how her son might have autism, she's not crying, not really expressing how difficult it is, just kinda mentioning she has a lot going on right now, I know she's not showing the heap of frustration and tears that come with that situation.
When discussing strength, I've got to mention supports! For myself, I find people who have "been there" or "get it" are priceless! What a relief when we can "compare notes" and feel less abnormal! When I can discuss ADHD and not be treated like I need to discipline my children more, or less, or differently, but rather say, "yep, I can relate!" I treasure friends that can answer my questions about Asperger's and specific issues that come up, or from time to time, we scratch our heads and say, "I have NO idea! Just keep doing your best!" The strength isn't in having the answers, it's in the relationship, the cups of coffee, the laughs and tears, and the listening.
But most importantly, God is our "refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1 NIV) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV) If God is our most important source of strength, and if He IS our strength, why am I putting Him at the end of my post? Because He wants us to go out, be His hands and feet in the flesh. He can be near the hurting person, but He wants us to put our arms around them. He can provide, but we can bring a pot of soup. Many times people don't know where God is in their tough times, or maybe people have never experienced God. The easiest way to see Him is in His people, if we have the strength to do what He asks of us.
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