Stimming

This is not my original work. This entire piece, after the link below, is taken from the "Just Stimming" blog, from the article "Quiet Hands", written by Julia Bascom. 

urbandictionary.com defines stimming:

Stim, stims or stimming is short for "self stimulation". Almost everyone does it (tapping feet, cracking knuckles, twiddling thumbs), but in autistic people these behaviors are more pronounced and may seem downright strange. Autistic people often engage in stimming when they are stressed, to self regulate and sometimes to express emotion.
Common autistic stims are: rocking back and forth, headbanging(not the music kind), finger flicking/rippling, spinning, humming, repeating words or sounds and complex body contortions.

 

The other online fountain of knowledge is wikipedia, and they say:

Stimming is a repetitive body movement, such as hand flapping. The term is shorthand for self-stimulation. Repetitive movement, or stereotypy, is often referred to as stimming under the hypothesis that it has a function related to sensory input. (Well, wouldn'tcha know, that's the entire wiki article. They could have added that stimming isn't just a movement thing. People also stim verbally/vocally and so on. And the primary difference between the autism community and the "average" person is that stimming can be debilitating for someone and they can perseverate so much that they simply can not stop themselves.)

Stimming makes me crazy, not only because I find myself doing it, (we all do to some degree), but because people in my life do it all the time and I can't stop it or control it. 

Let's face it, there are practical reasons why certain stims aren't a good idea. My son picks his lip till it bleeds. He has chewed the inside of his cheek so much that he ended up with an infection in his face. He has chewed his nails raw, which allowed for an infection in his fingers (and had to take about 70+ pills in one week for it!) His hair becomes both a trigger and a stim when it gets to be a certain length and a year ago, he ripped a large portion of his hair out.

Part of my issue with it is that it's Asperger's staring me in the face and as much as I want my kid to act "normal", his brain is wired in a way that he needs to do this; to experience life through his hands. Reading this article this morning has very much challenged my thinking as to how I should respond to him, and if I'm not saying "stop it!", if I'm not insisting that he "stop touching everything!" then I have to look at what part of me has an issue with watching him stim and what is comforted in me to try to get him to stop.

http://juststimming.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/quiet-hands/

Just Stimming…

A land we can share (a place I can map)

Quiet Hands

TW: Ableism, abuse

Explaining my reaction to this:



means I need to explain my history with this:

1.

When I was a little girl, they held my hands down in tacky glue while I cried.

2. 

I’m a lot bigger than them now. Walking down a hall to a meeting, my hand flies out to feel the texture on the wall as I pass by.

“Quiet hands,” I whisper.

My hand falls to my side.

3. 

When I was six years old, people who were much bigger than me with loud echoing voices held my hands down in textures that hurt worse than my broken wrist while I cried and begged and pleaded and screamed.

4.

In a classroom of language-impaired kids, the most common phrase is a metaphor.

“Quiet hands!”

A student pushes at a piece of paper, flaps their hands, stacks their fingers against their palm, pokes at a pencil, rubs their palms through their hair. It’s silent, until:

“Quiet hands!”

I’ve yet to meet a student who didn’t instinctively know to pull back and put their hands in their lap at this order. Thanks to applied behavioral analysis, each student learned this phrase in preschool at the latest, hands slapped down and held to a table or at their sides for a count of three until they learned to restrain themselves at the words.

The literal meaning of the words is irrelevant when you’re being abused.

5.

 

When I was a little girl, I was autistic. And when you’re autistic, it’s not abuse. It’s therapy.

6. 

Hands are by definition quiet, they can’t talk, and neither can half of these students…

(Behavior is communication.)

(Not being able to talk is not the same as not having anything to say.)

Things, slowly, start to make a lot more sense.

7. 

Roger needs a modified chair to help him sit. It came to the classroom fully equipped with straps to tie his hands down.

We threw the straps away. His old school district used them.

He was seven.

8. 

Terra can read my flapping better than my face. “You’ve got one for everything,” she says, and I wish everyone could look at my hands and see I need you to slow down or this is the best thing ever or can I please touch or I am so hungry I think my brain is trying to eat itself.

But if they see my hands, I’m not safe.

“They watch your hands,” my sister says, “and you might as well be flipping them off when all you’re saying is this menu feels nice.”

9. 

When we were in high school, my occasional, accidental flap gave my other autistic friend panic attacks.

10.

I’ve been told I have a manual fixation. My hands are one of the few places on my body that I usually recognize as my own, can feel, and can occasionally control. I am fascinated by them. I could study them for hours. They’re beautiful in a way that makes me understand what beautiful means.

My hands know things the rest of me doesn’t. They type words, sentences, stories, worlds that I didn’t know I thought. They remember passwords and sequences I don’t even remember needing. They tell me what I think, what I know, what I remember. They don’t even always need a keyboard for that.

My hands are an automatic feedback loop, touching and feeling simultaneously. I think I understand the whole world when I rub my fingertips together.

When I’m brought to a new place, my fingers tap out the walls and tables and chairs and counters. They skim over the paper and make me laugh, they press against each other and remind me that I am real, they drum and produce sound to remind me of cause-and-effect. My fingers map out a world and then they make it real.

My hands are more me than I am.

11.

But I’m to have quiet hands.

12.

I know. I know.

Someone who doesn’t talk doesn’t need to be listened to.

I know.

Behavior isn’t communication. It’s something to be controlled.

I know.

Flapping your hands doesn’t do anything for you, so it does nothing for me.

I know.

I can control it.

I know.

If I could just suppress it, you wouldn’t have to do this.

I know.

 

They actually teach, in applied behavioral analysis, in special education teacher training, that the most important, the most basic, the most foundational thing is behavioral control. A kid’s education can’t begin until they’re “table ready.”

I know.

I need to silence my most reliable way of gathering, processing, and expressing information, I need to put more effort into controlling and deadening and reducing and removing myself second-by-second than you could ever even conceive, I need to have quiet hands, because until I move 97% of the way in your direction you can’t even see that’s there’s a 3% for you to move towards me.

I know.

I need to have quiet hands.

I know. I know.

13.

There’s a boy in the supermarket, rocking back on his heels and flapping excitedly at a display. His mom hisses “quiet hands!” and looks around, embarrassed.

I catch his eye, and I can’t do it for myself, but my hands flutter at my sides when he’s looking.

(Flapping is the new terrorist-fist-bump.)

14. 

Let me be extremely fucking clear: if you grab my hands, if you grab the hands of a developmentally disabled person, if you teach quiet hands, if you work on eliminating “autistic symptoms” and “self-stimulatory behaviors,” if you take away our voice, if you…

if you…

if you…

15.

Then I…

I…

.