Hmm, maybe the original strategy of not blogging during times of high emotion or intensity was all wrong! I'm again feeling like I must write or I'll explode. And why in this format instead of a private journal? Because I know others can relate to the things I am expressing and I want other people to know they don't have to feel alone in their struggles.
What I feel needs to be released from the pit of my stomach today is the concept of change. Actually... more accurately, personal identity and the journey of accepting who I am. I don't know if it's that I'm in my 30's, that I'm in a season of personal growth, or if it's simply a culmination of various life experiences, but I feel like at this point in my life I want to be seen for who I am. I'm so sick of the bullsh*t! Not the bull that I'm putting out, but the bull that people are putting on me.
I am familiar with my strengths and a few rough spots that need to be softened and smoothed. I'm also familiar with my areas of weakness. Being aware of those things means I can be confident in who I am, how I see the world, how I do things, and I don't have to get knocked down at the thought of being less than perfect. I can also be objective to consider what challenges or issues I'm able to work on. For example, I have big feet, not happy about it, but can I do something about it? Nope. So I'll accept that. Another example. I'm not great with numbers or paperwork and it has a negative impact on my life, so for 2012, I'm working on learning more about that and growing in that area. I can do something about that.
But you and I both know it's not my shoe size or my math skills that are eating me up inside. So let's get real, shall we?
You know how certain words just evoke this visceral reaction? One of mine is "change". It's not so much the transition type of change I'm referring to, but rather the personal growth, shedding old habits and creating new ones type of change. Just writing that paragraph makes my chest hurt and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. What's the big deal?
When I find myself hearing the word change, either someone saying how they have changed a part of their life, or if the word is used in my direction and I'm being told I need to change something, my experience in the present is tied to many experiences in the past where the same has been said. The word, for me, has come to mean "you're not good enough" or "you're the cause of all these problems", or even "why can't you try harder to overcome the challenges in your life".
How desperately painful to know people look at me, judging me for allowing myself to be influenced by the challenges I've experienced. It's not paranoia, it's not conjecture. I am referring to things that have actually been said to me by various people. As if, AS IF, I haven't done everything I can think of and taken suggestions by people I have, or others I thought I had trusted, to try to sort through the silt that is my life to find those tiny nuggets of gold that are lessons worth holding on to and bits of goodness that lives on after the mud is washed away. At some point, I need to stop acting like nothing impacts me and admit that it does! How can I maintain the walls that protect my heart, the ones that enable me to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry, and yet be warm and close to people? When I take the risk of vulnerability and the outcome is criticism, it certainly makes me think twice about being that trusting again.
I have tried so hard to change my attitude about a number of pretty significant life events, change my expectations, change my personality for pete's sake, change my level of faith and belief, change the amount of negativity in my life, change the amount of positivity, change the way I express myself (either saying nothing or being willing to risk saying what I think), change my way of approaching obstacles, and so on. I'm at the point of just wanting to BE! I am who I am! Take it or leave it, and seriously, if you want to "leave it", that's your choice. I'm not offended. But if you want to "leave it" then also leave it the hell alone. You don't have to like who I am or what I represent or what I say or what I think, but that is not a license to rip me to shreds. That does not accomplish anything.
A wise auntie told me a while back to always consider who we change for! What is God calling us to do? Who is He calling us to be? THAT is the priority over and above the endless requests and demands for us to change to suit the plans and desires of people we walk through life with. If people in our lives have expectations for us to change, they will never be satisfied because if they think they can convince someone to change, something is lacking within themselves that needs to be addressed first.
You officially have my permission, if no one else's, to BE! Grow, flourish, journey, learn.
What I feel needs to be released from the pit of my stomach today is the concept of change. Actually... more accurately, personal identity and the journey of accepting who I am. I don't know if it's that I'm in my 30's, that I'm in a season of personal growth, or if it's simply a culmination of various life experiences, but I feel like at this point in my life I want to be seen for who I am. I'm so sick of the bullsh*t! Not the bull that I'm putting out, but the bull that people are putting on me.
I am familiar with my strengths and a few rough spots that need to be softened and smoothed. I'm also familiar with my areas of weakness. Being aware of those things means I can be confident in who I am, how I see the world, how I do things, and I don't have to get knocked down at the thought of being less than perfect. I can also be objective to consider what challenges or issues I'm able to work on. For example, I have big feet, not happy about it, but can I do something about it? Nope. So I'll accept that. Another example. I'm not great with numbers or paperwork and it has a negative impact on my life, so for 2012, I'm working on learning more about that and growing in that area. I can do something about that.
But you and I both know it's not my shoe size or my math skills that are eating me up inside. So let's get real, shall we?
You know how certain words just evoke this visceral reaction? One of mine is "change". It's not so much the transition type of change I'm referring to, but rather the personal growth, shedding old habits and creating new ones type of change. Just writing that paragraph makes my chest hurt and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. What's the big deal?
When I find myself hearing the word change, either someone saying how they have changed a part of their life, or if the word is used in my direction and I'm being told I need to change something, my experience in the present is tied to many experiences in the past where the same has been said. The word, for me, has come to mean "you're not good enough" or "you're the cause of all these problems", or even "why can't you try harder to overcome the challenges in your life".
How desperately painful to know people look at me, judging me for allowing myself to be influenced by the challenges I've experienced. It's not paranoia, it's not conjecture. I am referring to things that have actually been said to me by various people. As if, AS IF, I haven't done everything I can think of and taken suggestions by people I have, or others I thought I had trusted, to try to sort through the silt that is my life to find those tiny nuggets of gold that are lessons worth holding on to and bits of goodness that lives on after the mud is washed away. At some point, I need to stop acting like nothing impacts me and admit that it does! How can I maintain the walls that protect my heart, the ones that enable me to put a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry, and yet be warm and close to people? When I take the risk of vulnerability and the outcome is criticism, it certainly makes me think twice about being that trusting again.
I have tried so hard to change my attitude about a number of pretty significant life events, change my expectations, change my personality for pete's sake, change my level of faith and belief, change the amount of negativity in my life, change the amount of positivity, change the way I express myself (either saying nothing or being willing to risk saying what I think), change my way of approaching obstacles, and so on. I'm at the point of just wanting to BE! I am who I am! Take it or leave it, and seriously, if you want to "leave it", that's your choice. I'm not offended. But if you want to "leave it" then also leave it the hell alone. You don't have to like who I am or what I represent or what I say or what I think, but that is not a license to rip me to shreds. That does not accomplish anything.
A wise auntie told me a while back to always consider who we change for! What is God calling us to do? Who is He calling us to be? THAT is the priority over and above the endless requests and demands for us to change to suit the plans and desires of people we walk through life with. If people in our lives have expectations for us to change, they will never be satisfied because if they think they can convince someone to change, something is lacking within themselves that needs to be addressed first.
You officially have my permission, if no one else's, to BE! Grow, flourish, journey, learn.
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